“I am going to be in town for a couple of days and I would love to see you.” the familiar voice said hopefully.
Instantly I am flooded with emotions both good and bad. We had been broken up for a few months and I had been trying to evict him from my mind ever since.
Unbidden, thoughts about him and how hot the sex was, how beautiful I felt when I was with him, how romantic it was to sip wine at sunset, had been running through my mind for weeks. My brief fling with him
had been the most fun I’d had in years!
Now here he was, breezing back into my life and inviting me to reconnect. I knew my friends would be shocked that I was even considering it, so I didn’t telling anyone he called. There were so many parts of our time together that were very good. Why did we break up anyway?
Does this ring a bell? This exact scenario happened for me several years ago and I chose to say no. It was an excruciating choice because the chemistry was ridiculous. (I would love to know why the wrong men can have such exciting chemistry…just not fair!) This is how it played out.
Gorgeous, exciting ex-flame is visiting my tiny apartment. Candles were lit, jazz was playing and he was doing his best to coax me into bed. “It is important to live in the moment,” he said to me, “Do what feels good now.” My new interest in The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle not withstanding, somehow I knew he was pushing his agenda over my lackluster objections.
I was so tempted. He had asked me for a back massage which, of course, I agreed. I loved touching him and what harm could it do? Ha! As I rubbed the oil on his back, he kept gently encouraging me to respond to my natural arousal and seal the deal. What a pickle!
Somehow, in the middle of this highly charged situation, I said to myself first and then to him, “Wait a minute. Just hold up here. I want to think about what is right for me.”
I went across the room, sat in a chair, closed my eyes and pleaded with my Inner Wisdom, “Please help me know what to do. I want this man but the red flags are waving madly! What should I do?”
I was hoping I would get a clear yes (dreamer!) or a clear no but what I got was the most amazing and calming answer.
“Whichever choice you make will be fine. You are going to be fine, no matter what.”
I laughed outloud and told him what I heard. He laughed too. I am sure he was hoping my Inner Guidance said yes, but he was absolutely wonderful when I told him I decided no. He had made it clear to me that he was not interested in a relationship with me and as much as I wished I could change his mind, I had to face the truth. Sex would be fun with him but I knew myself too well. I liked him more than that and a bootie call would send me into weeks of obsession! Bottom line, I want to be loved more than anything. Love has to be primary.
What about you? Are you facing a similar situation? A dear friend of mine always used to quip “An ex is an ex for a reason” whenever I looked back at my ex-boyfriend. I would say the same to you. But, if you are not sure, here are three questions to ask yourself:
1. Do you feel a heart connection to this man? Do you really? Get quiet and allow the memories of your break up come back to you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how hurt and disappointed were you? If it is 6 or above. Stop for a moment and think about adding another disappointment to the mix. Does that work for you?
2. Are you obsessing about him? If you are, that is a symptom of an out of control mind. If you broke up, there was a reason for that. Jump into a new hobby or get outside and walk a couple of miles a day while listening to a book on tape. Take action to give your thirsty mind something to think about. An obsessive woman is not very attractive, not even to her friends.
3. What do your friends think? Trust your friends. Just like the Sex In The City girls, trust someone to talk to about this. Often your friends can see your situation more clearly. Yes, Carrie and Big got together, but that was a fairy tale. More times than not an ex is an ex for a reason and moving on is your best bet.
If you can’t get him out of your mind, don’t worry! There are lots of cool ways to occupy your mind while the next candidate comes across your path. Not to sound like my grandma but, there really are a lot of fish in the sea and there is someone out there for you.
If you are spending hours a day mooning over an ex, you sure can’t put too much energy into thinking the thoughts that will attract that new man to you. Is that ok with you?
Wonder about Your Sabotage Style? Take the Love Sabotage Assessment and check it out for free: TakeTheSoulmateQuiz.com
WOW .. That is what is happening to me at this moment. I have a friend that when I met him I was gone. Ex-Marine, owns his construction business, and GORGEOUS TOO BOOT. We got along very very well, he is very funny guy. We were connected because of my old employer. Anyway. Because he wanted to start doing business with me and to help him out with his taxes we started talking more and more. One day I was soo upset I called him up and told him I wanted to go out dancing. Well, I also got tickets to an NFL game and invited him. Due to the fact that I live about 1/2 hour from where he is at we agreed that I was gonna spend the night there, he will take the couch (hahaha). Anyway, I wear my sexiest dress and Gucci Rush (my signature sexy scent). The night was awsome, and I got soo drunk but he was a gentleman until I woke up in the middle of the night. Anyway, I don’t have to go into detail but the inevitable happened and OH MY GOD IT WAS THE BEST! Anyway, we kept going at it for about two weeks, and I stayed again at his house during Thanksgiving weekend. Something funny happend and it was that when he dropped me off I texted him saying “Thank you for the weekend, I had a great time, I like spending time with you” .. you know going fishing for information .. well he replied that he was not interested in a relationship to which I replied “Good you said it first because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings” .. Well he didn’t stop calling me for a week .. we meet again, hooked up again, and he dissappeared. I attract the “dissappearing men”
Anyway, I went back again to the same thing with him in March but my job with his taxes was done so “mutually” meaning neither party called each other after the last time we were together after a comment that I made in regards that I was feeling like a prostitute because I was working for sex.
Anyway, I didn’t hear from him unless it was business related. He does construction and I’m in property management. Well the other day, I received a naughty funny text about a Xmas song and I forward it to a bunch of friends and him. Well I received a responce from him saying how desperate he was to get laid. Well I told him that I couldn’t understand how a handsome, successfull, intelligent, funny, and top 3 in my sex list guy couldn’t get laid. Well his responce was lets get together. One point I want to make, he made a comment that I was seeing someone which is untrue but he has seen my pictures on Facebook w/ a friend of mine. Anyway, I replied to his invitation that “You deserve soo much more than that and I am not that person” To which his thick sckull replied “I don’t get it” and I replied the truth, I said “I am done fucking around Last 2 dates have fucked me and bolted I can’t take it anymore” .. His final reply was that he now completely understood
See he was seeing this girl and they just recently broke up. I have soo much admiration towards him and to be his bootie call is not the best of things. My vagina was screaming insults at me because I have been celibate for three months now (can’t complain my best friend is 3 years) but I felt good. I finally respected myself.
Last night I was alone at my house watching Love Actually, and I had warmth in my heart. I was alone with my dog watching a chick flick about Xmas and love (and some heartache) and I was ok.
Boottie calls are fine only when both parties are in aggreement. As soon as you start to develop feelings of the other person, speak out, or run.
Hey Nathalia,
Thanks for your story. Who of us can’t relate!
It is hard to say no, but if you are looking at a choice right now…if it is not a “Hell Yes” it is definitely a “Hell NO.”
Keep getting more and more clear on exactly how you want to be treated in your next relationship!
Celebrating Love,
Catherine