Why Is It So Hard For Rapunzel To Find True Love?

“Your ears are horrible.”His voice echoes in her ears 25 years later.

“You’ll never make it in this business looking like that.”

Years of painful memories from cruel childhood bullies come flooding back every time Denise remembers that agent’s abrupt appraisal of her ears.

“F–k him”, she thought.  “F–k him”. Barbra Streisand never fixed her nose, of course, Barbra didn’t have her ears. Terrified of losing her opportunity, she allowed the cruel man to push her and manipulate her from that day forward.

Ever since that day, her ears never appeared in public again. Even though she had surgery years ago to ‘pin’ the little devils into more appropriate posture, she still cowered in fear of an old picture from 6th grade popping up.  For some reason, her mom rejoiced in plaiting her hair into tight strings against her scalp for picture day.

Blessed with gorgeous hair, she wore it down and long, causing immense jealousy among her friends.In fact, her friends couldn’t possibly understand the huge fear of rejection that their compliments refused to soothe.

In fact, she was tired of hearing the string of comments she heard from every one.  “How can you still be single?”  “You are beautiful.”  “You would be a great wife.”  Or the worst one of all,  “You know, these days, being a successful single woman is more accepted than ever.”

Maybe they are right, she would think, maybe there is no one for me out there. It’s true that her life looks charmed from the outside looking in.  A successful TV anchor woman, Denise had traveled the world and was highly respected.

With a personal stylist and hair and makeup taken care of every day, she always appeared at her very best.  Little did her fans know how deeply insecure she felt without her entourage, makeup and wardrobe.

“What’s wrong with me?”  she said to her reflection in the mirror. At 45, she knew the network was interviewing younger, bustier women and she could see the handwriting on the wall.  All Denise wanted, all she had dreamed about her whole life was a husband.  Truth be known, she would have given up her whole career, to have the one thing she never found.

Why is True Love so very hard for some women to find? Denise is a Rapunzel and if you look into her past, you might find the clues, really the steps that she took that built that tower…one brick at a time.  Just like the fairy tale, the inner tower of safety she has built for herself for safety, now holds her prisoner.

That agent wasn’t the first person who rudely picked at her appearance. Her own mother used to tell her, “You look like death warmed over….go put on some makeup.”  Her father had taken off when she was 2 and her mom hated him.  She told Denise time and again, “Don’t trust men.  They will take what they want and throw you away when they are done.”

Fear and hurt served as the mortar between the brick after brick of disappointment in all of her relationships. Both boyfriends and girlfriends filled her life with drama in her school years.  Her natural good looks got her all kinds of attention, but she never felt beautiful so she always assumed people were just being nice or flat out lying.

Now, at 45, Denise is brittle, disappointed and hopeless.

Is there hope for Rapunzel? In a word, yes.  But Rapunzel has her work cut out for her.  In order to find the Love she has always longed for, Rapunzel must open up to the good opinions of others and AGREE with them.  She must stop beating herself up on the inside.

The most ironic and poignant part of all of this is that she has become her own worst enemy and her inner talk is laced with the same bullying she endured as a young person. If you can relate to Denise’s story, here are some action steps you can right now to start dismantling your defenses and let Love in:

1.  Accept Compliments. You have probably heard this before, but for Rapunzel’s this is critical.  When someone compliments you, I want you to say to yourself, “They are right, I do have beautiful hair, a great outfit, a fab sense of humor.”  Whatever is praised in you, you must start AGREEING with them.  Your default reaction is to DISAGREE with all kindness sent your way.  Stop that today.

2.  Write a Letter. Rapunzel, you have been through more hurt than is fair.  You know it, I know it.  Write a letter to your 16 year old self and tell her what you have learned so far.  Give her advice.  Encourage your 16 year old the way no one else did.  Then, write a letter to your 21 year old self. And then, write a letter to the one who let the great guy get away.  Personally, I love to burn the letters I write…a ceremony between me and me.

3.  Be Mad. This is one of my very favorite techniques.  Get a piece of paper and a couple of pens.  Think back and bring someone to mind who was mean or unkind to you.  All you do is write that person’s first name…over and over and over.  As you write it, notice your feelings.  You might notice your grip on the pen gets tighter.  You might notice your belly tighten or your chest ache.  Just notice.  You will notice that as you go on, you will reach an end.  Then think of another person and do the same.  Again, burning the papers is recommended….in a safe place of course.  I have a metal Burning Bowl I use for these exercises.

4.  Forgive Yourself. This is a crucial step.  Sure you are still single, I know, but you have to let yourself off the hook.  You have done the best you can.  Remember that she may be misinformed, but your Saboteur is sure that being alone is better for you.  Now that you are getting this information and these tools, you can change your course.  Tell yourself everyday, “Even though I have locked my heart away in the past, I am ready to open my life to new possibilities.”

5.  Let Down Your Hair. Rapunzel, you are deeply in need of FUN!  What are you doing in your life right now that is pleasurable and fun?  Think back to things you liked to do when you were 10 years old.  Were you a roller skater, bike rider, tree climber, beach walker?  Rent your favorite comedies on TV and laugh your ass off.  Fill your heart with laughter and your Love Vibe will leap into flame!

XOXO

How about you, do you wonder which Saboteur you are?  Check it out:

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