Is that normal?
When Genevieve, a Rapunzel, was younger, she had a long string of intimate relationships. She didn’t see it as love sabotage. Sex was a natural part of her dating life. It started when she was 15. Sex became no big deal. Now at 43 and struggling to define love differently, she isn’t sure what is normal.
“I think I am really in love. He makes me feel amazing. Every time we are together, I want to be with him more and more. We laugh and laugh together. We sleep in the same bed with our clothes on. But I don’t WANT to have sex with him. Isn’t that weird????”
She was talking really fast and I could feel her excitement. “Last night we had a long talk about sex, about what we like and don’t like,
fantasies and stuff like that. Then he asked me if I wanted to have sex.”
“I burst out laughing and said no, I’m not ready and I wasn’t afraid to tell him.”
Then she collapsed in a fit of giggling. “ME!!” She howled, “Me turning down sex!!”
“Are you attracted to him?” I asked.
“That’s the crazy thing,” she said, “He is so handsome! I can’t stop thinking about him and I want to be with him all the time.”
Genevieve’s delight is so tangible, I replay her story over and over in my mind. In a way, when you befriend your saboteur, it is as if your sweet fourteen year old self, the one that was so terribly hurt and disappointed in love all those years ago, is being given a second chance.
I remember Ruby, a Chinese Rapunzel with limited English skills. Coaching her was a challenge as I broke down the steps of breakup recovery into words she could understand. Ruby had met a man on Match.com and after 4 months of happiness, found out he was married.
She knew he lived in a different state. She accepted that he was only in her town for business every couple of weeks. She also was completely blindsided when she found out he was married. As she told me her story, here is a key point:
“In my country, you fall in love first and then you have sex. In your country, you have sex first and then fall in love. I don’t understand.”
No, I said to Ruby, you have it right! You SHOULD be in love before you have sex. Your people have it right. Not because it is morally right or wrong, that is not what this is about. The reason to love first is about hearing from your inner senses, feeling your way along so you know exactly who to sleep with when you do.
Genevieve had slept with so many men, her inner guidance was disconnected. In true Rapunzel fashion, she careened from relationship to relationship having great sex but never connecting with the men in a meaningful way.
Now, with this new man, everything is different. He thrills her. She loves him and she is in no hurry to have sex. Is it normal? Yep, it is for Genevieve. As I ask her every time we speak, how does this feel to you? On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you when you are with him? How happy are you just thinking about him?
As long as you feel your way through opening up to a man and keep yourself feeling high on your scale of happiness, you cannot go wrong. I promise.
What you can’t possibly know when you are a young, is how impossibly delicious the time is before you have sex with someone you adore. It is a time that cannot be restored. Making it last as long as possible is your goal!
So what do you do? Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!! I have been married for 5 years now and I still go back to that time to refuel my appreciation for my Larry. I was living about 45 minutes away from him and we were falling in love quickly. I remember watching out the window for his car. I remember seeing it turn down the street.
My heart started to pound. I was so excited he was coming. I made myself wait for a few moments before I answered the door bell even though I wanted to run out and meet him in the parking lot.
He smelled really good and l remember how the fabric of his yellow turtle neck felt under my fingers. We were laying on the couch together looking into each others eyes. The edge between risk of falling in love again and the undeniable physical chemistry drove our enchantment with one another.
I am so happy we had that time. Just like Genevieve and Ruby, I lost a lot of innocence when I was young. Love was twisted and painful in the players on the stage of my life. Blah, blah, blah…who of us doesn’t have drama in the past.
Now, when I see the parts of my husband that are cross and anxious and I dodge for cover, I don’t freak out anymore. I go back to that day in early autumn of 2004 and imagine myself running my hand up Larry’s chest, feeling the softness of his beautiful yellow turtleneck and every single time, I get a flood of the same feelings I had on that day and I love him like that all over again.
So, darling Genevieve, you are learning a new normal for yourself, and you are doing just fine! You are open and curious about your man and all of the loving feelings you are feeling for him are like bread crumbs leading you home.
Love Sabotage will not betray you. If after 4 months, you are not feeling it for him, you will know clearly and you will be able to move on.
What you can count on is this. If this man is not your forever man, he is SO close that when the right one does find you, it will be even better. I promise.
Wonder if you are with the right guy? Click here for a Should I Stay or Should I Go Psychic Reading and find out!
Hi Catherine! I can definitely relate to the story in that I feel like I’ve been given a second chance now that I have befriended my saboteur also. I really liked the last paragraph which you state, “What you can count on is this. If this man is not your forever man, he is SO close that when the right one does find you, it will be even better. I promise.” It is such a GREAT feeling when instead of intellectually understanding this to be true, you can actually FEEL this being true.
Hi Jane,
Thanks so much for your comment. You are making such quick progress and I couldn’t be happier that you are FEELING the difference for yourself! I am going to send over the first part of The Break Up Cleanse…wait til you see for yourself how well you are doing! Proud of you!
Love,
Catherine
Thanks so much! I’m so grateful for having a gifted teacher guiding me along the way. I can’t wait to read about the Break Up Cleanse!!! As you mentioned, us Snow Whites love a project 🙂
I really enjoyed this story very much. I just got back from food shopping. While in the dairy department, I found myself talking with a charming chap and having a few laughs. I enjoy talking to people and he was sooo funny.
He asked me if I wanted to stop for some tea and I thought – ok why not. It’s just a conversation….it’s just tea. (at least it was for me)
He was fascinating to talk to and as the conversation went on, it was easy for me to see how much of a player he truly is.
Wanting to give me a massage, asking a few to many questions……unbelievable forward. And big on compliments.
At one point he asked when he could take me home and have me screaming from his touch…..well, you get my point. Did he really think I would take him up on his “generous offer?”
What was nice was to simply say “no thanks” and “I have to get back to shopping.” The look on his face was priceless…and yet he continued to with more charm in an attempt to “win” me over. (seriously)
The longer this went on 9not much longer as I was creeped out), the more I realized how truly self absorbed he is. I heard nothing but sales pitch and realized how great all of that would sound from some one I actually knew and who knew me….and we deeply cared for each other.
As I got up to leave, he gave me his phone number and asked…”what’s your name again?!”
This is a delicious story that’s bound to get better, and better.
The more we know about ourselves, the greater the chances for self and mutual love. Everybody wins.
I have met a really wonderful man who adores me. I enjoy being with him and feel safe and completely myself…….however he is not very attractive and I do not feel that attracted to him. Reading some of these entries makes me long for having those feelings as well.
When is it self sabbotage and when do you just know you are settling?
Hi Kat,
Sounds like you are in the Sleeping Beauty stage when it comes to love sabotage. Sleeping Beauties don’t see their own strength and natural magnetism so they are afraid to let themselves want what they really really want. You can read more about Sleeping Beauty right here:
http://www.attractyoursoulmatenow.com/blog/meet-the-saboteurs/
Keep reading these articles, notice what appeals to you and disregard the rest. You deserve to have the love you want, every bit of it!
Love,
Catherine
Hi Ali,
Thanks for stopping by. I know you have been so successful because you help women find their Passionista. We are all better when we come out of the shadows of who we thought we were…right? Thanks for helping me so much all that time ago when you saw such a big vision for me!
Love you!
Catherine
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this story, Brenda! My buddy Jeanice is a standup comic and she will dig this too! She may use it in her material! As I always say… Bless em’!
Thanks for stopping by!
Love,
Catherine
Yes – sad but all too true…
“Forget eft. All a women really needs is to be deeply, deeply touched. would you like a foot massage?” (Seriously)
And I have no doubt he’ll live to {{swoon}} again – or is it **swoop**? Lucky her!
And lucky me that he is out of my hair! 😉
(I’d love to see her show!)
There are a lot of wolves in Metaphysical Clothing out there. I had a deeply life changing experience with one myself.
Great looking, great chemistry and a great talker. He called me on my limited thinking and got me to make some philosophical shifts around my at the time conservative view points.
We had lots in common and he was a perfect match…ha! Once I stepped closer, he stepped back. One night, after the break up when he was still in my orbit and visiting from out of town, he was telling me how much my sacral chakra would be relaxed by a little casual sex.
I had had a couple of glasses of wine and was, shall we say, elevated? I stopped kanoodling, caught my breath and told him I had to ‘go inside’ to figure out what to do.
I’m not quite sure how I had the presence of mind to do it, but I did.
He backed a way and I closed my eyes and went inside to the mystery that is my divine sense of things. I wanted to have sex with him, he was skilled in that area and I thought why not. I’m an adult, I can say yes.
Then I thought. What a rat. Trying to pull the new age stuff on me again.
Then a thought that was not my own floated into my mind. “It doesn’t matter what you choose. Either way simply opens up an avenue of situations to deal with. There is no right or wrong decision.
I laughed right out loud, elevated as I was. He looked at me with a sly grin, I could just tell he was hoping I decided yes. I told him what I realized and then I said no.
He didn’t pressure me at all. He knew the game was over. Even though he disappeared from my life and I haven’t seen him in 7 or 8 years, I don’t have one regret about being with him.
The breakup sucked but it was ultimately a good thing. After all, I have Larry now and he is just perfect for me. Challenging at times, endearing everyday. I am a lucky girl!
Love,
Cat