“Hmmmmm?”
I said as I realized that my man had just said something to me and I had not heard one word of it.
“Yes, Larry,” He said, “That is a great idea, I think we should do that.”
I snapped into the present and looked at him. He was doing what I do when I can’t get his attention.
I was busted and I knew it. Better yet, he knew it.
I feel an inner stab of pain whenever I say something to him and get no response. Even worse is when I say something and he starts another conversation. I don’t address these missteps every time they happen. Truth be told, I don’t like bringing them to his attention, but I am learning that if I am experiencing that stab of pain, it is ok for me to do something about that.
So when my man was able to gently show me how inattentive I was and could laugh about it, it was one of the most loving gestures I have felt from him in a long time. Seeing that my new communication choices are making a difference for both of us feels really good.
It was hard for me to hear him say that when I am talking about my latest passion, that he feels that is all I want to talk about. It IS all I want to talk about but knowing he feels that way, I can make a plan for what I need to feel heard.
1. Create A Tribe: (Thanks Seth Godin!) Fortunately I am well on my way and have a small but growing tribe around me who see my vision and love to brainstorm and enthuse with me about what I see happening in my business and in my tribe. My intuition is getting stronger every day and when I feel inspired to pick up the phone and call someone to chat, I am much more likely to call someone who loves my dream as much as I do. I don’t need my man to be that for me. Tuning in to how much I talk about my own interests is helping me see myself from his eyes.
2. Create Ground Rules: My man doesn’t talk on the phone as much as I do. Does anyone? Wait until I get my I Phone! My business is conducted on the phone and because of time zones, I can have several phone calls in a day. When questioned about how much time I am on the phone, I chose to lay out the agenda of my phone use to him clearly and succinctly. I also make sure he knows that I am prioritizing him always in my planning.
3. Create A Social Schedule With Your Man: As my business is picking up, I am scheduling time with my man right into my weekly calendar. When I met him, he was divorced for 13 years and loved his alone time. I am the same way. When I know I have him on Friday and Sunday this week for doing our fun stuff, I can focus on my other tasks more clearly. He is not as likely to feel left out of my life when he knows that I am choosing my time with him especially.
4. Create Connection: I also noticed that sometimes when I really WANT to tell my my man what is developing in my business or in my personal transformation, I don’t need him to give me 100% of his attention for an hour, not even close. Thirty seconds of focused attention does more for me than hours of me babbling a way while he looks absently over my shoulder. Each of us has clues to find the heart space with our men so that we can feel connected.
When Larry busted me last night about my own disconnect from him, I could see it for what it was and I thanked him and could apologize open heartedly because I hate it when it happens to me. We talked about it and he was able to explain that I tell him more than he wants to know about my business. Instead of being hurt, I heard him. We were connected.
Just telling him, “I just want to engage with you for a couple of minutes” is often all it takes to bring more consciousness to each other. When we are connected, I feel loved, and I love that!
5. Play Checkers: Well, that might not be your first choice, but I decided I wanted to play more games with my husband. I had suggested a few times and it didn’t happen. I was frustrated but I decided to walk around the frustration and just get a game out. I asked if he wanted to pick the first game or should I. He asked me to pick. I got the checker board. I can’t even remember the last time I played checkers. It was great. Took about 20 minutes for one game. No rematch. Just 20 minutes of time focused on something completely new for us. Nice and really easy!
Noticing that you are disconnected from your man is valuable information. Your intuition and imagination will help you find ways to tune to him. These inner senses are just waiting for you to engage them. Try these five steps for now. Before long, you will be coming up with your own ideas! I can’t wait to hear how you find ways to create new connections with him!
Wonder about Your Sabotage Style? Take the Love Sabotage Assessment and check it out for free: TakeTheSoulmateQuiz.com
Catherine,
great observations! We do not need our beloved’s to be everything to us all the time! I have come to know the immense value of communicating clearly..it really keeps things happy!
And I agree with “Your intuition and imagination will help you find ways to tune to him. These inner senses are just waiting for you to engage them.”
If you want to enhance, activate or amplify your intuition, I am starting a 2 session class next week, just for accelerating your intuition! Check it out here: http://intuitionaccelerator.com/
Lots of love,
your coach, Nan
Thanks Nan!
I can’t wait to interview this Saturday!
My intuitive abilities have skyrocketed since I took your Spirit of Money class last Summer!
I know my Tribe will love meeting you!
Catherine
I love your ideas of ways to reframe your needs so that they get met more easily and don’t hang a cloud of resentment over the relationship! Clever!
It’s funny, John Gottman calls these “Bids for Attention”- when you say something that you expect to get a response from, and instead your partner ignores it.
Apparently how you and your partner respond to these bids over time helps to determine how satisfied you are. So paying attention both to how you ask for your attention and how you answer your partner’s is a recipe for success! 🙂
Thanks for stopping by Dr. Jenn. I like to say that keeping the soul mate fires burning is never boring! I have come to embrace the triggers that bring up insecurities and doubts. Larry and I feel so fortunate to have our second chance at creating a marriage that inspires both of us! I will come over and check out your site…looks like we have much in common!