“You could always fill out those annoying coupons and subscribe her to fifteen magazines,” Dan 
chirped in his forever positive voice.
“That’s not helpful,” Molly sniped at him. He reached over to pull her into a hug. She was stiff in his arms. “I just can’t understand it.” she sighed “How can she not have anything good to say….even now….especially now.”
“Come here, darlin’, let it go…let it go.” In his arms, she let herself soften and receive his love….
It had been a phenomenal day. Her composition had been selected and she was booked at Carnegie Hall! The dream of a life time, well at least her life time, she had seen herself on stage at Carnegie Hall, the crowd on its feet applauding like fiends, ever since she was a little girl. And now, after all the years, tears and trauma it was happening.
Molly bought flowers from the street vendor, got an expensive red from the Wine Cellar (her favorite shop) and a couple of beautiful New York strips from the Italian butcher shop. It was time for a celebration, and she couldn’t wait to get home to tell Dan.
He didn’t disappoint. “Baby, I am so proud of you!” He picked Molly up and spun her around. “I know how hard you have worked for this.” Burying her head in his shoulder she whispered, “I love you so much…so much.”
“Let’s crack open the cabernet and get this party going,” Dan said. “Did you let your mom know?” “I sent her an email.” Molly said. “Haven’t heard back from her yet, but look what the mom of one of my students sent me.” She ran to the computer and pulled up an email. “Read this!” she said excitedly:
“You HAVE to teach at the University level, a composition class! – God has given you an amazing gift, and the beauty of your music is getting deeper and deeper. What a story teller you are with the piano. You can take any of your pieces and in any scenario whatsoever and take your listener through the different emotions- -anywhere from rage to love, from tears to forgiveness. No holds barred. You really need to be on national television.”
Dan beamed with pride. “That’s terrific, honey!” And lifted his wine glass to toast her!
“Uh-oh” she said, “There is an email from my mom.”
“Don’t open it right now, Baby, just wait for awhile.”
“No,” Molly took a deep breath and clicked the email link, “I want to see what she has to say about my news.”
“Darling, I still feel the phrasing would be better in the twentieth bar if you changed the chording the way I suggested. I don’t know if I will be able to be at Carnegie, but I will see what I can do. Nice job!”
Shoulders slumping, it was as if she imploded, something on the inside of her collapsing and pulling all the celebration into an ancient black hole in her heart. Again. No matter how hard she worked, her mom always found the one weak spot and shined a bright light on it.
“How can she not congratulate me? I’ll never be good enough for her.”
“We could hire a thug and duct tape her to a street sign.” Dan tried to nudge her sense of humor.
“That’s not funny, Dan, I am trying to feel sorry for myself here!” And laughed in spite of herself. He was so cute!
“You know what really pisses me off?” Molly asked. “The fact that I am forty bleepin’ four years old and I still wilt like a violet in the desert when she criticizes me.”
“Why are you so hurt, darlin?” Dan said gently.
“Because she should care how I feel.” She said quietly.
“Why?”
“How else can I know she loves me?”
“I love you.” He whispered “And I am so proud of you. Your students love you and now there are hundreds of people who are going to love you when you perform at Carnegie.”
“I know,” Molly sighed. “You are right. Besides, I am proud of me! I had the best day of my life and I will not let any lame email steal that from me!”
“That’s the spirit!” Dan cheered. “Now let’s grill those steaks and get this party started.”
Snuggling in to her favorite spot in the nook of his shoulder she kissed his neck. “I don’t know what I would do without you, baby.”
Overcoming perfectionism is a bitch. Age old patterns of meticulously planning and executing projects to make sure every T is crossed and i is dotted drive like a cruel slave master. If you have a family member who callously brushes over your fabulous achievements, I feel your pain and I have a word of advice.
Use the pain. That is right. Use the pain. Take a breath and acknowledge the pain in you for a change and stop focusing on the person who “caused” the pain. A fantastic tool to use in moments like this is to journal conversationally using both hands.
What you say? Yes – both hands. Starting with your dominant hand, write this questions: “Why does this hurt so much?” then switch to your non-dominant hand and write whatever comes to your mind. You will be surprised how impactful this exercise can be.
When you write with your non-dominant hand, you actually “stretch” out your experience with the pain and you get to prove to yourself that you can handle it and move beyond it. Molly’s mom didn’t mean to hurt her daughter. Who knows why she was unable to celebrate with Molly?
Molly can make choices to grow through her need for her mom’s approval and change the dynamics of the relationship herself. While her mom may never say just the right thing, she can see that as a itty bitty blip on the radar of life, if she chooses! We’re proud of you, Molly and……break a leg!
Your Love Sabotage style impacts your family relationships too! Be sure to take this free assessment so you can turn your all your relationships around! http://EndLoveSabotage.com
This is brilliant Catherine! As you know, I have done lots of counseling and coaching with couples and I find that lingering issues with a parent interferes with your ability to love and be fully present with yourself and your partner. A man’s relationship with his father and a woman’s relationship with her mother tap into core issues of identity and validation. Am I ok as a man or a woman? Do I really have what it takes as a man or a woman? We all long for that validation, especially if it has been in short supply. As adults we can learn to redefine our relationships with our parents, accept our parents for who they are and learn to respond emotionally as an adult, not as a child still seeking approval. In the process we can accept responsibility for our own validation and find healthier sources of love and approval. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thanks a lot, Tom! I feel this is high praise coming from you. I respect the work you do and know you have helped a lot of women like me who are struggling to establish themselves as strong women in their own rite!
Your coaching clients are lucky to have you!
Cheers!
Catherine
I’m printing this out and putting it up on my wall. This story, plus what Tom posted, is so true for far too many of us. I know I have experienced that let down feeling by an overcritical Mom who always seems to hit my buttons. Now that she is older and in a nursing home, it gets even harder.
I know my first marriage suffered because of exactly what Tom said.
Thanks for sharing and providing me with exactly what I needed today, especially after her phone call this morning!
Thanks for posting this Catherine. I remember going thru some of this in my younger years. Now, I realize that it’s really a projection that my mom is having about herself. She still TRIES to project her own issues onto me and I have finally learned to not accept them as my own. But I do know that my marriage and the way I raised my children (especially my daughter) and subsequent relationships (until this one with Walker) suffered because of my relationship with my mom. It also, didn’t help that I never knew my father. He ran off when I was only 9 months old. That played a big part in how I viewed men and relationships. I kept have this habit of thought that ALL men eventually leave and abandon us. And the sad thing is that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. At this point (6 years into my current relationship with Walker), I can’t even remember what the turning point in how I related was. I think the bottom line was learning to love myself the way I always wanted to be loved. Also, forgiving our moms because they weren’t in this age of discovering that we can control our experiences helps a whole lot. When my mom starts to criticize or downplay something I’ve done I don’t listen to those words and start seeing her positive traits. Nine times out of ten I manage to nowadays get a compliment out of her sooner or later. :o)
Hi Julia,
Thanks for stopping by. I am slowly but steadily teaching myself not to react to my mom’s behavior. About time, I am 58 and she is 80. I know that I need to celebrate the other women in my life. I have a nice group of women who fulfill a lot of different desires for me. It is fun to have a shopping friend, a theatre friend, a Scrabble friend, an LOA friend and a friend who is just plain nice to be with. No one woman could be all those things…wouldn’t it be nice to stop being so disappointed in each other for what we aren’t able to do?
I appreciate your thoughts!
Love,
Catherine