“And,” Megan pounded the table for emphasis, “What really pisses me off is that she has no trouble attracting men….they flock to her like bees to a flower.” “She goes through men like I go through mascara.”
Can you relate? Do you have a girl friend who is a Scarlett O’Hara? I do. One of my closest friends ever is a Scarlett and as a Snow White, I have been SO frustrated with her over the years. Of course, being true blue to my Snow White tendencies, I haven’t been so successful connecting to her over the years.
I love to help people. I also get impatient when women allow themselves to be in awful circumstances and spend more time complaining than taking action to resolve the drama and trauma of the moment. If a friend continually talks about what is not working in her life (very typical of Scarlett) she is like a runaway train. If I CAN get a word in edgewise, she doesn’t want to hear anything about her role in the drama.
As a Snow White, I like solutions and order. I like crossing items off of to do lists and I love building and accomplishing things. I suppose I am totally annoying to my Scarlett friends too. Hmmm. So here I sit this morning pondering. How can a Snow White be a good friend to a Scarlett who is floundering a bit in life?
Here are a few suggestions:
1. Find The Value Under Her Complaint: If Scarlett is ranting about how her co-worker shirks her responsibilities and Scarlett has to do her work and the co-workers without any appreciation or compensation (A typical stuck place for Scarletts). Instead of trying to ‘coach’ her into a better attitude (A VERY typical Snow White response) try this. Search for the underlying Core Value to reflect back to her. This will make her feel heard and that is sweet elixir for Scarlett. For example:
Scarlett: “I am furious with June. She will not file at the end of the day and if I don’t do it, our shared work space is a mess in the morning. I can’t stand it.”
Snow White: “So people being responsible for their workspace and doing the job they are paid for is important to you.”
You will be shocked how this seems to soothe the heart of a Scarlett. It takes some effort to find the Core Value…but it can be done. So worth it if you want to connect to her.
2. Set Parameters on Your Phone Conversations I used to be constantly available to my various and assorted Scarletts (yes, I have attracted them all of my life!). Because of my kind and sweet nature and my willing ear, I would spend hours on the phone comforting, cajoling and cheering on my friends and family. Until….I realized that Scarletts tend to be Time Bandits. They can steal time in a twinkling of an eye. You know what I mean. Now I start the conversations with a time limit. Simply telling Scarlett that you have 15 minutes to focus on her and then honoring your own decision encourages her to cut to the chase. At times, I will actually tell my Scarlett friends to give me the Cliff Notes version right up front.
3. Ask If She Wants Help or To Vent Be direct. I know this is a big challenge for Snow Whites. We tend to be the queens of understatement and clue giving. I kiddingly say that I wish my hubby could read my mind. Truth is he can’t and neither can anyone else. You learn to be assertive and kind and Scarlett will respond and respect you for it. Plus, once you stop offering unsolicited help, she may very well ask for and follow your counsel when she is ready to change her circumstances.
4. Encourage Scarlett To Engage With A Cause There is not a Scarlett I know who is not passionate about one cause or another. Whether it is the plight of the Palestinians, starving children in the third world, a myriad of political causes or animal rights, your Scarlett has a strong tendency to support causes. If she is going through a tough time, she may not be acting on these primal urges. You know her. What does she care about. Getting Scarlett to refocus on something bigger than herself is one of the most valuable gifts you can give.
5. Four Magic Words That Open a Scarlett’s Heart: Scarlett can be challenging. Swinging from wildly independent to needing constant propping up. She is entertaining and bigger than life and can be a wonderful friend. Snow White has a hard time with the drama and trauma but it is possible to forge a great alliance if you want it. There are four magic words that will melt a Scarlett’s heart and help her let down her guard every time. Ready? Here they are: “You’re right about that.” It is amazing how hearing those words helps Scarlett feel happier. Don’t bulls–t her. She is very savvy and can sniff out insincerity a mile away, but do agree with her whenever you can. As a Snow White, you may doubt how powerful this tool is. Just try it.
*Oh and by the way, did you notice the asterisk in the title? Well, that is there because we Snow Whites annoy the living tar out of our Scarlett friends and family. I will write all about that in a future article.
And….most importantly, are there any Scarlett’s out there who want to sound in and let us know how we can be better friends to you? We would LOVE to hear from you!!!
