Things I Want To Say To My Ex Friend: Surviving a BFF Breakup

Have you had girlfriends who needed you more than you needed them?

Do you have friends that talk and talk and talk and never ask how you are doing?

Has a woman betrayed your trust?

I am in the middle of a girl friend break up right now.

It is not the first time either. And I am such a nice girl, all sugary Snow White sweet and all.  Over my life time, my Scarlett girl friends have come and gone.  My inner circle has revolving doors and I have had a series of pretty serious heart breaks along the way. I do meet my share of damsels in distress who need a lot of time and attention.  When I stop listening to their drama, they take off.

Sometimes it is natural, a friend might move away. That is what happened with Toni.  Beautiful, kind and gentle Toni.  She was a Snow White like me and we had a natural affinity for one another. During our early 30s we even went to prisons and visited with incarcerated women as part of a religious outreach.  We had experienced many of the same kinds of things growing up and we loved to spend time together.  She was a really close friend.

One day she answered her door with tears in her eyes. Her husband, a corporate ladder climber, had accepted a new position.  Neither of us said anything.  Neither of us could say anything.  My throat literally squeezes shut during moments like this.

When the day came that she left, she didn’t even say good by. That broke my heart.  Years later I found out that she just couldn’t do it.  We sappy Snow Whites get so overly emotional about things we just can’t spit out what needs to be said. If  we do, fumbling and bumbling and awkward exchanges might happen, in fact probably will happen.  Then we hurt other peoples feelings and that is like finger nails down the chalk board for Snow White….intolerable.

That is why it is so uncomfortable to say what I am mistakenly feel is “mean” no matter how much I need to speak up and say stop. Things like stop treating me like this.  Stop expecting something of me and then not telling me what it is.  Stop coming to me only when you need me.  Stop ignoring me when you are upset.  Stop pulling away from me.  Stop avoiding me when I need you.

Where does this discomfort come from?

Another woman in my life who has pulled the plug on friendship. I have had this happen before and I know there are a string of platitudes about season, reason and forever.

That is not what this is about. I understand that sort of thing. But, now this current woman is pulling away abruptly, at a time when I could have really used her support and I am hurt. Once again, hurt feelings have interrupted a friendship.

Only this time, I am stretching my Snow White wings and doing something different.  I decided to say something to her instead of just getting dumped.  So here goes:

Things I Want To Say To My Ex Friend:  Surviving a BFF Breakup

1.  It hurts to lose you. My feelings are hurt.  You were so sudden about it and I don’t even know what I did.  Every time I think about you, my heart hurts.

2.  I know it will be hard for me to trust a new friend again for awhile. I kind of hate that but that is just how I am.  I don’t regret knowing you or having you in my inner circle for awhile.  It hurts to let you go but it is worth having known you even though it was for a short time.

3.  I see now that when you dumped me it reminds me of another time in my past when a friend moved away and never said goodbye to me. I didn’t realize I was still hurt about that.  I’m not mad or upset.  I know life is life and that my inner circle is a fluid place.  There are still parts of a break up that really suck and hurt feelings are a normal part of life.

4.  I wish I would have known when I was younger about hurt feelings. I wish I would have known that they are normal and that they come and go with all relationships.  I wish I knew that focusing on the physical part of the hurt feelings is a much much easier way to feel better.  I wish I would have known that hurt feelings are natural and normal and can be over in the twinkling of an eye if you know what to do.

5.  I am 100% ok with you floating away into the orbits of other fantastic people. My inner circle is small.  I have some long time soul mates and always room for a treasured few that come along life’s path.  I can let you go with an open heart.  I only wish breakups could be handled a bit more delicately.  I wish you abundant good fortune and the personal connections that take you everywhere you want to go.

Do you have a girlfriend break up story to add to the mix?

xoxo