“I knew better.”
“I knew it was a meaningless friends with benefits deal for him.”
“I knew it wasn’t right for me.”
“But, after that glass of wine and a little cuddling, one thing led to another and….”
Jennie stopped talking. I could hear her crying softly.
“I have no control. I still care about him so much. But I feel awful today. I’m such a loser.”
Can you relate?
Jennie had a passionate relationship with a charismatic guy in college 
that lasted into her early 30’s.
She naturally started planning her future with him. Why wouldn’t she? They started living together early on and everything looked good.
When he cheated the first time, she figured he was young and stupid. She blamed the other girl for coming on to her guy and she forgave him.
Ten years later when she found him with her best friend in THEIR bed, her whole world collapsed.
Divorce, custody, alimony, lawyers and devastating depression followed. No matter how awful the process was, she couldn’t fall out of love with him.
Secretly she agreed to meet him after the divorce for ‘Ex Sex’. It felt good…their sexual chemistry never paled. So what’s the harm? Or so she thought.
But now, two years after the divorce, he is happy with being friends with benefits and Jennie is a shadow of her former sparkling self. Turning off her intuition so she could keep some sort of connection with her ex has completely destroyed her self confidence.
How can Jennie stop giving in to her ex?
Here are the tips I offered Jennie, see if some apply to you:
1. NO MORE EX SEX….no matter what! If ex sex was really harmless, would you be feeling so bad? You are the only one who can say, “No More.” Once you make the decision you can make a plan.
2. Get a Breakup Buddy: One of your friends is waiting in the wings to support you. Having secret trysts with your ex is killing you. Let someone who really loves you help you.
You don’t have to tell her the whole story until you are ready. In fact, researchers from the University of Missouri at Columbia headed by Amanda Rose, Ph.D have found that “Excessive focus on problems probably makes them seem even bigger and harder to resolve.”
Your breakup buddy serves you by not letting you obsess and go on and on about your ex. Talk about ANYTHING else, but don’t keep retelling the story. In fact, you can post your breakup story right here is you need to vent: http://YouBrokeUpHow.com
3. Call Your Breakup Buddy When Your Ex Calls: When he calls again, you know he will, DON’T answer. Screen his calls. Call your breakup buddy and tell her you are obsessing again. Build a team strategy with her to see him for what he is.
4. Remember the Worst Part of What He Did: You are a nice girl and you like to see the best in people. Normally, a good trait, but now, when you are tempted to let him back into your bed, choose to remind yourself of his cheating past. Give yourself a reality check. You can say NO.
5. Start Making A List of How YOU Want to Be Treated by a Lover: This is easy, you start by writing all the things down that he has done to dishonor and mistreat you.
Then you write a second list with the exact opposite! Remember, Abraham Hicks teaches that we HAVE to experience the challenges so we can clarify what we really really want.
Here’s an example:
-
He cheated.
-
He didn’t like my friends.
-
He was bossy.
-
He didn’t look at me when we talked.
Here is the opposite desire that comes from the painful things he did:
My ideal man:
-
Is faithful and attentive.
-
Loves my friends.
-
Is not a micromanager and loves my independence.
-
Makes frequent and loving eye contact with me.
You can have this and much more once you break up for real.
Above all, remember that you are NOT a LOSER. You simply have love sabotage habits that need to be changed. You were with him for a long time. You guys had great sex. But….
When you feel this horrible after a friends with benefits encounter, it means your Inner Being is surely calling you to re-evaluate your connection to your ex.
Don’t go it alone. Find a Breakup Buddy to help you!
Wonder about your other love sabotage habits? Take the Love Sabotage Assessment and check it out today: http://EndLoveSabotage.com
I can relate to the temptation that comes from this story, but fortunately I have not fallen pray to the Ex’s advances. One thing that really has helped me is that in an interview with Lady Gaga about having sex with anyone she said that she didn’t want to have sex with anyone because she felt so alive creatively and that if she had sex all of her creativity with leave out of her vagina. Makes you laugh, right? Me too, but in order to keep the creativity flowing in my life I decided that no matter what i would not fall into the “friends with benefits” category.