How many times do we hear it?
“Sure, after I trained him to be the perfect boyfriend, he breaks up with me and goes to be perfect for someone else.”
Has this happened to you?
We can learn a lot from our short term relationships. We bump and bruise each other like bumper cars in an old time amusement park. We fight, argue, push our weight around or we withdraw, pout and manipulate.
Isn’t that a charming list of behaviors! If we think that our man of the moment is the One, these ups and downs can be devastating. If he IS the One, fear of losing him can take your power away from you and you will start compromising on some things you know are not right for you. No wonder we are in a mess when it comes to sorting out our feelings and getting really clear….I mean REALLY CLEAR on what we want in a partner.
When your man disappoints you, it is painful, I know because I went through a disappointing event with my man just a few hours ago. The first thing I did, which was different for me, was to say “Could we not decide right now? Could we table this and at least talk about it later?” He agreed and I left the room.
I felt hurt and sad and everything in me, well that is not so true anymore, but a rather large part of me wanted to blame him for making me feel so bad. After all, his words made my heart start to hurt….or did they?
I am learning that the emotional pain I feel when my man disappoints me was there all the time. He doesn’t climb inside of my body and pinch me in the place where I feel my heart ache. I am learning that the spot within me that aches when he acts in certain ways is simply a place where my body has agreed to carry the emotional pain from past events.
What, you say? The past is in the past and that is that. I don’t let any of that drama bother me anymore.
I hear you! I know you have moved on and have turned your back on a lot of the hurtful relationships you have had in the past and I say….you go girl!! But, and this is a big one, how sure are you that you are not missing some emotional energy still stuck to the ghosts in your past?
That is why, and ladies….write this down….you can learn to actually be grateful for the hurt feelings that your man brings up in you. Look, you have to admit, half the time he upsets you he simply says something stupid that he doesn’t really mean at all, right?
Learn to look at yourself differently and you will respond to him differently….guaranteed.
After I got my own self back in balance, I went outside and meditated and rested for an hour (VERY unusual behavior for me, as I am about a 15 minute meditater) and re-entered life. I still felt a little hurt but I had convinced myself that if his opinion was right that it would all work out ok. I decided on a course of action that felt neutral and I felt calm about it.
We had a brief and peaceful follow up chat and things are smoothing out.
I know that I am changing as I allow myself to recognize when I am upset and simply handle it differently than I usually do. Breaking habitual relationship behavior is an excellent way to plow the ground and get ready to plant new skills, new fun and new lovin’!
The road to self love and self compassion is the only one that counts!
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Hi Catherine,
Great post! It made me think of John Welwood’s great book- Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships. I’m making my way through it now…
Looking forward to meeting up in Columbus soon!
Hi Brooke,
I haven’t read that book but it sounds like it is right up my alley!
I am so motivated to live this marriage a different way and grateful to find others who share that passion.
After all, if we don’t choose to find happiness, who will do it for us!
Catherine
I read this and it hit me like a ton of bricks…when my husband and I fight, its normally because we have insecurities about something that has happened to us in the past. My problem is that I learned just to push everything aside and I don’t like to sit down and talk about it, well, then it usually comes up later and much worse. I love him so I’m learning to talk things out and let him know when I’m upset and encourage him to do the same! But never before have I actually thought about how all our insecurities in this relationship surface from our past!!
Hi Jess,
It is amazing how the behavior of someone we love can remind us subconsciously of a hurtful event in the past.
It makes me feel better to know that this happens to everyone and that if helps to remind yourself that “that was then and this is now and this man is NOT my ex.”
My man doesn’t like to hear about my ex, I know that, but he does like hearing how much I appreciate that he is so different from my ex. Then I praise the things about him that I really like when ever I get the chance.
I tell him I am so happy that I found him and I tell him I am the luckiest girl ever….and I tell him that a lot. He never seems to get tired of hearing it!
Good Luck!
Catherine
http://yourangelsarecalling.wordpress.com
Yes! When I feel the upsets within me, I am processing the energy and regrouping. I’m still not sure whether I want to stay with my “perfect partner,” yet I am willing to evaluate my feelings and keep my energy resonating at the love/light level. Not easy! Recently, even though my relationship often feels otherwise, I declared that I am “happily married.” I want to observe the possibilities of change surrounding the manifestation of my thoughts/words. Pollyanna? Maybe…yet I am dedicated to highest good for all involved.
Fabulous advice. I have the worst grudges! I get mad at my husband and it lasts for days….I know I’m wrong most of the time but it just eats me up. I got it from my father. My husband, on the other hand, forgets he’s mad in like 2 seconds. A quality I wish I had. Thanks for stopping by!!
Hi Teresa,
I LOVE how you called your partner “perfect” even if you are not sure you will stay. It is abundantly wise and self caring to realize that he is, at the moment, perfect for you!
I spent my first marriage not realizing how I could have changed the dynamics bu changing my reactions. I know now that learning to change my THINKING about my man is the sure way to inner peace.
And, ladies, inner peace is VERY attractive to our men!
Kudos, Teresa, and keep me posted!
Catherine
http://YourAngelsAreCalling.wordpress.com
Hi Paty,
How very wise of you to see that a pattern from your original family is showing itself in your marriage. This is REALLY good news!!
Now that you see the pattern, you can do something about it! Recognizing and getting uncomfortable about your reactions to your man is a very powerful thing.
We women can change the direction of our relationships as we look at our reactions and adjust them.
Keep reading and practicing the techniques you read about here and keep your eyes open for other resources that will support you!
A great book is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This is great resource for you because it helps you focus on your own desires and reactions. You will love it!
Thanks for stopping by!
Catherine
This is so very well written. Thanks for the words of wisdom.
I used to hold on to pain for a long time and wasn’t satisfied until I hurt back and then some… I realized that was the WRONG response. Now, I make a concerted effort to talk through my feelings with my spouse before we head to bed. This way, by the next day, the issue is processed, settled, and OVER. A much more healthy way to deal – and has helped our marriage in a big way.
Love your blog!
Hi Eve,
Thanks for your comment. I am focusing on my own reactions more and more every day. It is fun to see how my hubby’s attitude is adjusting as I learn to express who I am clearly and confidently.
I am grateful for all of my life experiences, even my perceived relationship failures because everything has brought me to the place where I am right now.
My folks weren’t able to role model a happy marriage for me and it has taken me a lot of years to get here but I am still standing….and smiling!
Your kind words made my day!
Blessings to you!
Catherine
http://jointheblogversation.wordpress.com
Great post, Catherine!
I am finding it very helpful to do releasing techniques so that I don’t store this emotional energy in my body because stored issues and hurts can cause or contribute to all kinds of health problems from physical to emotional. It’s awesome when I bring up an issue of the past and find there’s no emotional energy attached to it.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency.
Shileen
Thanks for your comments, Shileen. I love releasing techniques and wonder what are your favorites.
The more I allow myself to embrace past pain rather than hide from it, the happier I am and wonder of wonders, the happier my husband is living with me. Imagine that!
I appreciate you stopping by!
Celebrating Love,
Catherine